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Monday, July 12, 2010

Mystery Tin (Sp)Interview: Eminem - Recovery

EMINEM AGREED TO MEET ME AT HIS FAVORITE LOCAL SPOT FOR A LUNCHTIME INTERVIEW. I NEVER EXPECTED THE INTERVIEW WOULD TURN OUT LIKE THIS.*

AFTER A STRUGGLE FINDING A PARKING SPOT, I MADE IT INTO THE RESTAURANT. EMINEM WAS ALREADY SITTING AT A BOOTH, WRITING ON A NAPKIN. WHEN I APPROACHED THE TABLE, HE TOSSED THE CHICKEN SCRATCHED NAPKIN TO THE SIDE, SMILED, AND POINTED TOWARD THE EMPTY SECTION OF THE BOOTH.

MT: Hey, Marshall, thanks for agreeing to meet with me.
EM: Call me dynamite. I’m not even really supposed to be here right now.
MT: Okay, Dynamite, what have you been up to today?
EM: One foot on the brake, one on the throttle, falling asleep with writers block in the park lot of McDonald’s.
MT: Is that why I couldn’t find a parking spot?
EM: [Yeah, I] took ya spot, parked in it too.
MT: Alright then, I’ll just get the waitress and order lunch. (I signal over the waitress) I feel a little under dressed for this place.
EM: Look at how I dress, fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess.
MT: Sorry again I’m late. Thanks again for agreeing to meet with me yesterday.
EM: That was yesterday, yesterday is over, it’s a different day. I got something to prove to fans cause I feel like I let ‘em down. [I figured ] We can chill, split half a pill and a happy meal. Let’s get the pineapple schnapps going.
MT: I didn’t know this was going to be a drinking interview, considering you’re in Recovery.
EM: You’re fucking corny.
MT: Sorry. No more jokes.

JUST THEN THE WAITRESS APPROACHED OUR TABLE AND DID HER BEST TO HIDE HER EXCITEMENT OVER EMINEM SITTING IN HER SECTION. BEFORE SHE WAS ABLE TO ASK FOR OUR ORDER, SLIM SHADY ORDERED A DRINK CALLED “THE SOUTH OF THE BORDER.”

MT: How do you make a South of the Border?
EM: Are you stupid? Mixing Hennessey and Fanta with Pepto and Mylanta. It’ll eat through anything metal, [like] the ass of iron man.
MT: Oh, right. That sounds disgusting. How could you drink that?
EM: I’ll drink gasoline and eat a lit match.
Waitress: (Interrupting) I’m sorry, but are you…
EM: They call me Slim Rothelsberger
Waitress: I thought it was you!

EMINEM PROCEEDED TO ORDER HIS MAIN COURSE, WHICH INCLUDED FRIED POTATOES, A SIDE OF VEGETABLES, AND A STRIP STEAK.

Waitress: And how would you like your steak cooked?
EM: Think you spit the raw, I’m an uncut slab of beef, Laying on your kitchen floor, other words I’m off the meat rack.
Waitress: Raw, it is. And I’m sorry, but… I love you! You’re, like, totally awesome!
EM: I am awesome, and you are just awe-struck. Just call me the ball sack, I’m nuts.

TAKEN SLIGHTLY ABACK BY EM'S FORWARDNESS, SHE SHIFTED HER ATTENTION TO ME.


MT: (To the waitress) I’ve never been here before, do you have any suggestions?
EM: (Interjecting to the waitress) Feed ‘em the same shit you made
me eat.
MT: Sure. Why not? That sounds good.

EMINEM SIGNALS THE WAITRESS IN, SPITTING GAME QUIETLY IN HER EAR. HIS HAND TRACES HER SIDE AND ZEROS IN ON HER LOWER BACK. HE SAYS SOMETHING QUIETLY IN HER EAR (BEYOND MY RANGE) AND SHE STEPS BACK APPRENTLY DISGUSTED AND DEPARTS.

MT: What'd you say to that girl?
EM: She’s got a tattoo of me right above her ass, man. In the streets of Warren, Michigan, we call ‘em tramp stamps. Don’t ask me why, I have no love for these motherfucking hoes. Mr. Matthers is the man.
MT: Um… yeah, I guess so Mr. Matthers.

THE WAITRESS RETURNED SHORTLY WITH THE DRINKS.

EM: (To the waitress) Haha, you don’t look too happy to see me.

THE WAITRESS PUT THE DRINKS DOWN AND TURNED BACK TOWARD THE KITCHEN. I DECIDED I WANTED A SIERRA NEVADA, BUT SHE WAS TOO FAR FROM OUR TABLE TO HEAR ME.

MT: Nevermind then…
EM: Get up, be a man, stand, a real man would have had this shit handled.
MT: It’s just a drink, it’s not a big deal. So, you’re clean now. No drugs… and… I thought no alcohol, but… how’s the sober life treating you?
EM: You wanna get graphic, we can go the scenic route. Let me tell you the whole story of Shady’s, origin. Man, first of all, I’m a boss. Man, I’m so fucking sick I got ambulances pullin’ me over and shit. I’m the American dream, I’m the definition of white trash ballin'… I’m the bee’s knees, his legs and his arms. Been this way since I’ve stood a foot tall.
MT: Wow. You don’t think you’re coming off a little cocky, do you?
EM: If you don’t like it you can kiss my ass in a lint thong.
MT: No thanks. How do you feel about Recovery compared to your previous albums? You take a few stabs at some new people.
EM: It’s different, them last two albums didn’t count, Encore I was on drugs, Relapse I was flushing ‘em out. Fuck my last CD, that shits in my trash. [Recovery]’s a warning to Brooke Hogan and David Cook, that the crook just took over so book. Run as fast as you can, stop writin’ and kill it.

THE WAITRESS RETURNED WITH OUR FOOD. EMINEM CONFRONTED THE WAITRESS ABOUT HOW SHE IGNORED ME, AND, ALTHOUGH HER APOLOGY SEEMED SINCERE, HE WOULDN’T LET UP.

EM: Girl, forget remorse, I’m a hit you broads with Chris’s paws like you pissed him off.
MT: I’m not really that mad, it’s okay.
Waitress: I really am sorry, can I compliment you two another drink?
EM: They call me Fire Marshall, I shut the shit down. Just take a couple more, yeah, you’re motherfucking right. And go do some donuts in the hospital parking lot.
Waitress: (Obviously irritated) Is everything alright with your meal, Mr…. Fire Marshall?
EM: Shit my potatoes baked, homie, the veggies on my plate can fly, my filet is smoking weed, yeah faggot, the steaks are high, shit. Like somebody took a ketchup squirter, squirted a frankfurter for a gangsta. [Nevermind, I’ll] Rummage through the shit and try to salvage something. [As for you honey], Coleslaw containers, empty straw wrappers and all, you got more junk in your trunk that I do in my car.

THE WAITRESS STORMED BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

MT: Em, what’s the deal? Why are you like this?
EM: Why am I like this? Why is winter cold?
MT: Oh, I get it. It’s your NATURE. Interesting.
EM: Remember when they get to doggin’ you boy, homie, So y’all can just get to bloggin’ and bologna, I’m not gonna stop the saga, Continue, no stopping the force Obi.
MT: It’s not that popular of a blog anyway… Let’s try to finish up quickly and get out of here without making a scene.
EM: Wait, am I losing ya? Am I making you look bad? Shit the day that happens the world’ll stop spinning, and Michael J. Fox’ll come to a stand still.
MT: Ouch man. First it was Superman, now you bangin’ on McFly?
EM: Excuse me while I feel my nuts.
MT: Umm... Okay…
EM: Thanks for being patient. It’s like apples to oranges, peaches to plums yeah, I’m bananas pussy, cut off the grapes and grow a pair, But I swear, you try to diss me, I’ll slaughter you, I put that on everything, like everyone does with auto-tune. It’s like we’re playing lyrical tug of war with your ear.
MT: I’m not trying do "diss" you, just trying to do an interview. Speaking of auto tune, do you have any advice for other rappers?
EM: Weezy keep your head up, T.I. keep your head up, Kanye keep your head up, Don’t let up, just keep slaying ‘em. [But mostly] I just wanna thank everyone for being so patient and bearing with me over the last couple years while I figure this shit out.
MT: And now you’re back and going strong. Well, should I get the check and you get it next time?
EM: Next time? There won’t be no next time. I’d cut my toes off and step on the receipt, before I foot the bill.
MT: Damn Em, it’s only like $50… and most of them are your “South of the Border” drinks. Nevermind, I’ll get it. I thought this went well… besides you degrading the waitress, of course.
EM: You know that I’m only kidding witcha… [I] got a twisted sense of humor.
MT: That’s an understatement. Anything else before we leave Eminem/Slim Shady/Slim Rothelsberger/Dynamite/Fire Marshall Matthers/whatever you want to be called now?
EM: See, I’m not as crazy as you thought I was, am I?
MT: Umm… I guess not.
EM: [Oh, yeah, and] Rest in Peace to DJ AM.

* This interview did NOT actually take place, but rather Eminem's answers are lyrics from Eminem's new album, "Recovery."


MYSTERY TIN

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