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Friday, July 30, 2010

Grease is a Good Thing...Sometimes

So it's Friday (like you didn't notice! I'm sure you did). And on Fridays, I usually am in need of some grease in my life. Because as every good human knows, grease makes all those happy hour cocktails you drank on Thirsty Thursday settle in your tum. It's science. Maybe.
Being the resident feminine delicate dignified Suzie Homemaker around these parts (sorry Kristin, technology and gamer lingo does not a classy lady make), it is my job to give you some cooking (and grease) inspiration. So friends, here is your "I-want-to-impress-a-slightly-hungover-chick-with-my-cooking-prowess" recipe: Oven "Fried" Chicken. It's grease, but not too much grease. Perfect for girls who are health-conscious/afraid of getting fat. Such as myself.




You'll need:
  • Chicken parts of your choice (mmm, doesn’t THAT sound appetizing), or 1 whole cut-up chicken.
  • 1 pint buttermilk (depending on how much you’re cooking--you need to completely cover the chicken)
  • 1 cup flour
  • 2 cups breadcrumbs (I used Panko, because I'm fancy, and they're crunchier)
  • Equal dashes of Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder, Paprika, Oregano (or, Mrs. Dash/whatever Poultry Seasoning you have on hand)
*Note: the measurements are approximate. It’s going to change depending on how much chicken you use, and I had to refill my bread crumb/flour mixture a couple of times to make sure I had enough to coat the chicken--just keep the ratio at 2 to 1. You can also add whatever spices you want, really. Cayenne pepper, anyone?



To Do:
  • The night before…wash & dry chicken, place in a Ziploc bag with enough buttermilk to cover, salt, and pepper. Shake bag to coat evenly. Store in fridge until you’re ready to cook.
  • When you’re ready to cook…pre-heat oven to 425
  • Combine flour, spices, breadcrumbs in a large bowl
  • Remove chicken from buttermilk, shaking off excess
  • Dredge chicken in flour/bread crumb mixture until fully coated…make sure you press the mixture into the chicken to make it stick.
  • Transfer chicken to a roasting pan
  • Brush/spray/drizzle vegetable oil onto tops of chicken
  • Bake for approx 45-55 minutes, or until juices run clear





I know what your thinking: I have to prepare for this the night before?! Well I guess you don't have to. You could always marinate the chicken for a few hours before you cook it. But doing it overnight really lets the Buttermilk sink in and makes the chicken tangy and juicy and pretty freaking amazing. Plus, dumping chicken and buttermilk in a Ziploc bag is pretty easy, even if you are drunk when your doing it.

This obviously isn't the same as FRIED friend chicken, which you could also do with this recipe, filling up a big pot with canola oil, heating it until it 'shimmers', and dropping those suckers in there until golden brown. It depends on just how much grease you're looking for. I myself like to wear bikinis, so I went the more 'healthy' route. To further make myself feel better I ate it with a salad and zucchini pancakes (recipe here). Because vegetables, unlike grease, are always good to eat.


An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away?

First things first: I am a girl, and I speak gamer…fluently. (Its my job; no judging allowed...)

Now that I have that little secret off my chest, lets get down to business.

The built up, over-advertised (including an entire Modern Family episode dedicated to its product placement), extensively publicized phenomenon that is the iPad has taken over the interactive entertainment industry.


The numbers? In 28 days, Apple had sold 1 million iPads. The perspective? The iPhone took 74 days to hit the 1 million mark. Want another perspective? In the time it took the iPhone to hit 1 million, the iPad was already approaching the 3 million iPad mark, and hit it by day 80.

Those are serious numbers. Its clear that Americans have a fever, and the only prescription is more Apple (this is also a great time to bring up that Apple’s 200 billion dollar+ company can fit all its products on one small table at their annual shareholders meeting…but that is a different topic for a different blog entry all together…)

At any rate, I’ve decided to compile a quick industry pro/con list on the iPad.

The pros:
  • For one, it looks very mod. The iPad has that clean Apple look that American consumers have grown to love…and pay big money for.
  • Apple has also targeted another consumer fad: the touch screen. Oh la la! Instant hit, Americans like to touch things, especially when it comes to electronics.
  • It is a lightweight alternative to a book (arguably its main function). Who wouldn’t like an alternative to awkwardly holding a paperback while in crowded places, such as an overcrowded, smelly, long train ride through Boston (I am not bitter.)
  • It came in below its expected price point…I mean granted its forecasted price was a ridiculous $1000, but nonetheless, Apple was able to whip up a bargain with the basic model selling at only $499…but wait, there’s more.
  • A 10 hour battery life at full use, and a month on standby? Why hasn’t blackberry figured out that technology.
  • The icing on the cake? Well, by purchasing an iPad, you are infact going green. Yes, Apple used BFR free and recycled glassed to create their display faces.

Okay, enough about the good things (and hopefully you picked up on some of my subtle sarcasm along the way)…here are some of the not-so-great things…

The cons:

  • Hidden fees. The $499 model only provides consumers with the basics. Want 3G? You need to buy the $629 model, along with a $30 monthly fee. Connectivity costs? Yeah, just add that to my bill.
  • No multitasking. Not all of us can be as great at multi-tasking as I am. On the iPad, performing two functions at one time isn’t possible, unless they are both apple products. I say until Apple has integrated multitasking capabilities, we cool it with the “most innovative knack” crap.
  • What isn’t included in the price. The iPad does not have camera or GPS, which essentially makes the blackberry a more gizmo, for us photo obsessed, not-so-directionally savvy people out there. Plus, the iPad is not compatible with flash, which means that a majority of web videos won’t work on it. Sigh.
  • Its identity crisis. Is it a kindle? Is it an iPod? Is in an iPhone? What are your intentions with my daughter, iPad, what are your intentions? Well, you can read from it, listen to music from it, and watch movies on it, but its clarity is anything but high def. Want to read an entire book? Well, unlike its competitors, the iPad has an intense back light which makes reading for prolonged periods of time particularly painful. Want to watch a movie? Sure, but don’t be upset when the resolution is anything but clear.

Okay, so now the big question: to buy, or not to buy?

Well, my fellow gizmo gamers, I think the iPad is targeted to a very particular audience: the average consumer.

To those (like me) who spend their entire day manipulating code, browsing the internet and fooling around in Adobe programs, the iPad would not be the most practical form of technology to utilize, but to the average American Joe, those just looking to leisurely read or casually browse, the iPad will most certainly live up to expectations.

So, in short: if you are looking for a template that can multi task, alter designs, and manipulate flash, do not buy the iPad- you will be greatly disappointed.

If you are a “what the heck is manipulating flash” someone who wants a cool new gadget to tote around with you on the train instead of a book and maybe your iPod, then buy it, because you are the exact target market Apple is trying to please.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mystery Tin (Sp)Interview: Miley Cyrus

Question: Where do you conduct an interview with an underage international pop sensation?

Answer: An art museum in Los Angeles, California.

Interviewing Miley Cyrus was going to be an odd experience for me. For one, I don’t like her music. Secondly, she’s an underage girl – a situation I generally stay away from. Three, she looks dumb, so I figured I’d suffer the whole time. Nonetheless, I gave in (I mean… it’s Miley Cyrus) and our interview was more odd than I could have possibly imagined.[i]

The crowd outside the museum was buzzing by in the weekday dusk. I told Miley I’d meet her outside, so I stood on the bench under a lightpost, so my small stature was above the crowd. The phone rang… it was Miley!

Miley Cyrus: I can pretend that I don’t see you.

Mystery Tin: Hey! Yeah, I don’t see you. Where are you?

MC: Lost here in this moment, and time keeps slipping by.

MT: Okay… I mean, where are you… geographically?

MC: I’m calling out, can you hear my voice? I’m gonna find you through all the noise.

I saw her coming, grabbed her attention, and directed her toward the entrance of the museum. I cut through the crowd and met her at the entrance.

MC: Hey! What do you say?

MT: Miley, pleasure to meet you. Let’s head inside and walk around.

MC: Here we go.

MT: Have you been to a lot of museums?

MC: I’ve been to London, been to Paris, Australia and Rome. I’ve been to

New York, Been to L.A. and to Baton Rouge.

MT: Wow, alright, so you know a thing or two about art.

We had entered the first room, Vincent Van Gogh's STARRY NIGHT hung on the wall, illuminated by a single accent light.

MT: What do you think about Van Gogh’s art?

MC: I look up at the stars, [and] like fire in the dark, we’re like living art. You know I wanna believe that we’re a masterpiece, but sometimes it’s hard to tell in the dark. Our lives are our greatest art. Is it love or is it art? Are you feeling me?

MT: I’m not feeling you in the way I… uh… Yeah, I feel like they should have more light in here. Anyway, time for the hard stuff. How do you deal with the critics who say you’re just another teeny bopper dependant on auto tune and say that you’re just another piece to the Disney music machine?

MC: Stop telling me I’m part of the big machine, I’m breaking free, can’t you see ? [I] don’t listen to all the people who hate, cause all they do is help make your mistakes for you, but they don’t own you. I’m not a mistake, I’m not a fake, it’s set in my DNA. They try to change me but they realize they can’t. I’ve been told at least a thousand times, it’s not worth the struggle, the hurt or the trouble.

MT: Sorry, Miley. That’s incredibly mature of you.

MC: It breathes in my chest, and it runs through my blood. I go crazy, the music tells me what to feel. Crossed wires in my head, I’ve been taught to think that what I feel doesn’t matter at all. And everything else falls into place.

MT: That’s not true.

(At this point I became uncomfortable with the overwhelming honesty of the underage icon.)

MC: Yeah I’ll tell you all my secrets, all the ones I’ve kept inside, and I’ll give you all the reasons.

MT: I wasn’t really looking for this angle, but…

MC: For those who don’t know me, I can get a bit crazy. I can’t be tamed. The only thing real when push comes to shove, another moment is a moment away, I can’t tell you what the future holds. I’m like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged, If you can understand this, we can make some magic .

MT: I mean… Um…

MC: Was it something I said or something I did? Did my words not come out right?

I ignored eye contact with Miley as we started to make our way back towards the door. I fumbled through my pockets groping for a pen, pretending to quote her. I needed this interview to end as soon as possible, somehow the tension had grown thick.

MT: You’re also a magician, got it. Well, I think we should wrap this up. Anything else you want to share?

MC: I’m alone and I feel empty, God I’m torn apart inside.

MT: Miley, don’t you have somebody to talk about this? I mean, I’m just a reporter for a stupid blog.

MC: We don’t have to be friends, we don’t have to be enemies. Stay here with me now. I’m lonely here tonight. But if you walk away tonight, [I’d] watch you leave, Walk away tonight, pretend I’m okay.

MT: Whoa. This is really intense. You can’t be serious.

MC: Baby come here close, I won’t let you walk away.

I moved quickly out into the darkening night, avoiding the awkward situation I had gotten myself into. “Was this something many journalists experienced?” Either way, I had end the interview quickly. I asked the valet to hail Miley’s driver.

MC: So much colder than I can remember… The city of angels is lonely tonight.

MT: Miley, thank you so much for speaking with me. I think I’ve got what I need. I’ll write this up and get a copy to you by the beginning of next week.

MC: Where does the time go? To hear that tears me up inside, and there’s two more lonely people in the world tonight. ‘Cause in the end, no one loses or wins.

Miley and I parted ways for what I hoped would be the last time. Don’t get me wrong, it was flattering, but I was taken completely offguard. I was not even sure I believed it, except I had written it all down.

As I was recounting the interview on Monday morning, my phone vibrated with a new voicemail. It was Miley.

MC: I hope you’re doing fine. You can pretend I don’t exist, I walked through the darkness, and now I see, I’ve been misled. Yeah, wrong or right , don’t be afraid to make a move, It won’t hurt you, and you know in the end it’ll be O.K.

WEIRDO.

Mystery Tin


[i] This interview never happened. Miley Cyrus’s answers are comprised of lyrics from her album “Can’t Be Tamed.”

I'll Decide What's Real, Thank You.


I've always been a sucker for philosophies of all kinds (religious, astrological, and others) that strive to comprehend perceptible meaning in my dreams. Nevertheless, after endless pontification and an inevitable semantics dispute, I often find exploring for meaning in my dreams to be a fruitless endeavor. Then again, "meaning" is not an objective thing we stumble upon, but rather it's something we choose to attribute to a gesture or image. We dreamers are the very scribes who give meaning to the images conjured by our subconscious.

We have this in common with the dreamers of Christopher Nolan's Inception. Nolan's captivating action/drama stars a standout cast (Leo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Dileep Rao, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, Pete Postlethwaite, Marion Cotillard, & Michael Cane), and it delivers a hearty mind-fucking that reminded of my introduction to Nolan's handiwork on Memento. Nolan has again demonstrated a predilection for exploring the avenues of the memory and dream worlds on screen, and he has given us another determined and intelligent protagonist whose investigative skills may or may not allow him to find what he's looking for.

I won't attempt to literate the premise for you, suffice it to say it's a movie about dreams and the fine line distinguishing dreams from reality... the film ultimately asking us, "Is there a distinction?"

Overlooking the fact that Inception saved WB's ass (re: summer box office), I will admit that the movie has been a bit over-hyped, and I believe backlash to this hype has led to a few negative critical reviews of the film. NYTimes' A.O. Scott calmly asserts that Inception is nothing more than a "visually-arresting" heist movie that takes place in a dreamworld--lacking in dream-like wonder.

Granted, Mr. Scott frames his observations within the context of the historical relationship between dreams and films, insisting that the accomplishments of Inception are mainly technical. However, his claim that the film fails to access the unruly, ambiguous world of the unconscious doesn't hold much weight if the film's objective isn't strictly to accurately represent the aesthetic nature of dreams.

I understand Scott's point that dreams are often ethereal and scrambled, but I don't believe Nolan's film should be dismissed on the grounds that his dreamworld isn't very dreamy. In the end, I believe that Inception asks far more questions than it answers, and I don't think that classifies the film as a failure.

Nolan is a master of first creating the cinematic/philosophical rules that govern his film, and then exploring the thematic landscape of his story within the confines of his rules. In Inception, Nolan's constraints and limitations are precisely what allows for the creative reveal of information.

Mad Men: Season 4, Episode 1: "Public Relations"


If you haven't been watching Mad Men (and I pray there are only a few of you wanderin
g souls out there) NOW is the time. If you don't have the 39 hours to play catch up, my best recommendation is to speed through the Mad Men Wikipedia page (or you can check the AMC Mad Men Site also). Button your suit coat, get your beehive high and tight, pour yourself a glass of the finest bourbon in the house and let's talk business.

Who is Don Draper?

Matthew Weiner and the cast of Mad Men came out swinging! The hit AMC show has been on the minds of many in the recent weeks, boiling up to last night's premiere of the fourth season. Riding high on a reputation of fashion, sex, and the "Golden Era" of advertising, the expectations were high, and the team at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce delivered in spades.

In a new, much smaller and conference-table-free rented office space, Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is experiencing all the expected problems of an advertising start-up despite their "big hitter" Don Draper, who's brooding facade is coming apart at the seams. Recently divorced from Betty Draper (now married to Henry Francis) Don has been downgraded to a small, cluttered apartment while Betty remains in the house with the kids on Don's dollar (Sally Draper is acting out against Betty). But Don will be Don, and his philandering reveals deeply rooted issues. But at the office, Don remains the atop the throne, with everyone working to please him with their work, despite him beginning to show the wear and tear he's experiencing outside the office.

Roger Sterling is in rare form, with razor sharp degradations and a thirst for the bottle (even more so than before.) This could be due to Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce's diminishing clientele or it could be due to marital whoas with his young wife Jane. Meanwhile, Harry Crane runs into his own problems when his Jaihli special goes South. Lucky Brand now makes up 70% of the company's total billing.

Peter Campbell and Peggy Olsen, assigned to the Sugarberry Ham account, resort to guerilla advertising by staging a fight over a ham. They succeed in enticing Sugarberry to expand its' marketing budget, but shortly after Peggy must deal with the consequences of their untraditional methods, straight from the mouth of Don Draper - a lesson Peggy is sure not to forget.

When the Jansen swimsuit account doesn't fold the way Don drapes it (including attempts to convince them they need to change their image) the top boils off the pot. Don charges out of the office, only to return and demand the Jansen representatives leave his office, accented by loud finger snaps. Is this new, angry, aggressive Don Draper here to stay?

The episode ends with this new Don Draper being interviewed by the Wall Street Journal. No longer reserved, Don chalantly smokes a cigarette while affirming his keystone position in the company and unveiling the scheme that spawned Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.



Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Top Ten Music Picks for This Week:



For this week's top ten music picks, I decided to not limit myself to a specific genre because as an avid music listener, I appreciate all types. This weeks top ten picks include songs from Eminem, Kid Cudi, The Black Keys, Big Boi, and many other talented artists.

10. Love the way you lie- by Eminem feat. Rhianna
I chose "Love the Way You Lie" from Eminem's newest cd because I absolutely love the collaboration between Rhianna and Eminem. Also, the lyrics are extremely witty with lines like, "Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane."
I chose "Dreams" by Passion Pit because it is an amazing remake of the Cranberries' original version of the song.
"Space" by M.I.A was featured in this past week's episode of Entourage as Vincent Chase is jumping out of an airplane. M.I.A.'s sound is very eccentric, but I thoroughly enjoy it.
I love the Gorillaz, and their song, "Rhinestone Eyes" (off their newest album Plastic Beach), has a very electric and catchy beat.
"Erase Me" by Kid Cudi hasn't been officially released yet, but I stumbled across it two days ago online. I am a huge fan of Kid Cudi's, and was pleased by this catchy song.
In the past couple months I have become a huge fan of the Black Keys, and so I knew I had to include one of their songs in my top ten. I chose "Howlin' for You" because it is one of their more upbeat songs and I am also in love with the lyrics.
I chose "Body Down" by Jack Penate because his voice overlapping incredible piano chords is simply irresistible.
I chose "Breakfast" by Curren$y for those of you who appreciate underground rap. This song has a very upbeat yet chill vibe to it. I really like the trumpets in the background as well.
I was first introduced to "Lady Don't Tek No" by Latyrx by a good friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and this track is just delicious. The lyrics are also contagious, so do yourself a favor and listen to this song right away.
(To listen to any of these songs just click on them)
Last, but certainly not least, is "Shutterbugg" by Big Boi. I first heard this song in the beginning of this season's premiere of Entourage. The beat is absolutely incredible, not to mention the lyrics. I was very pleased to see Big Boi making music again. Ladies and gentlemen, these are my top ten music picks for the week. So, sit back, relax, and let your listening ears enjoy some of my favorite music selections.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Answers

Sometimes the answer to a question comes in a form you did not expect. In this case, I had never posted to a blog site before. By the surefire method of trial and error, I was able to discover the answer to my dilemma. In this day in age, I feel like I should almost be ashamed of myself for being able to say that I've just now submitted my first blog. It's as though I were telling you all that I am a 44-year-old virgin. Telling a great personal secret of mine here in front of you all has left me feeling fragile and exposed. At least there's a part of me feels that way.

Another part of me feels liberated. I've finally blogged. May the onslaught of anonymous opinions and commentary elevate me to momentary Internet fame overnight. Who knows? These blogs may strike me great fortune. It could be the right time and the right place.

But that gives Fate too much say in the success of my posts. I'd consider having my blogs be an articulation of my thoughts and ideas. A portal for my readers to seek something that belongs to them - an idea, a concept, a path.

Maybe I will turn to humor and give the gift of laughter to those whom it eludes.

I could even contribute short haikus for your enjoyment.

With all this to choose from, how is one blogger supposed to decide what he or she must write about?

In short, my thoughts turn to the contribution I will make to this site. There is much to ponder. I will think of the things I would fill a tin with. This is a tin that holds only the best and most thought-provoking blog posts. I will return in due time with additional materials and I shall build you something glorious to gaze your eyes upon and decipher with your brain.

Your final thought for the day:

The pieces of life are sometimes simple and sometimes not. The way you assemble those pieces will affect the way you react to new pieces of the puzzle getting added to the overall picture and changing the initial design. This happens uncontrollably and infinitely. Puzzle that for a moment.

iTruth

Monday, July 12, 2010

Mystery Tin (Sp)Interview: Eminem - Recovery

EMINEM AGREED TO MEET ME AT HIS FAVORITE LOCAL SPOT FOR A LUNCHTIME INTERVIEW. I NEVER EXPECTED THE INTERVIEW WOULD TURN OUT LIKE THIS.*

AFTER A STRUGGLE FINDING A PARKING SPOT, I MADE IT INTO THE RESTAURANT. EMINEM WAS ALREADY SITTING AT A BOOTH, WRITING ON A NAPKIN. WHEN I APPROACHED THE TABLE, HE TOSSED THE CHICKEN SCRATCHED NAPKIN TO THE SIDE, SMILED, AND POINTED TOWARD THE EMPTY SECTION OF THE BOOTH.

MT: Hey, Marshall, thanks for agreeing to meet with me.
EM: Call me dynamite. I’m not even really supposed to be here right now.
MT: Okay, Dynamite, what have you been up to today?
EM: One foot on the brake, one on the throttle, falling asleep with writers block in the park lot of McDonald’s.
MT: Is that why I couldn’t find a parking spot?
EM: [Yeah, I] took ya spot, parked in it too.
MT: Alright then, I’ll just get the waitress and order lunch. (I signal over the waitress) I feel a little under dressed for this place.
EM: Look at how I dress, fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess.
MT: Sorry again I’m late. Thanks again for agreeing to meet with me yesterday.
EM: That was yesterday, yesterday is over, it’s a different day. I got something to prove to fans cause I feel like I let ‘em down. [I figured ] We can chill, split half a pill and a happy meal. Let’s get the pineapple schnapps going.
MT: I didn’t know this was going to be a drinking interview, considering you’re in Recovery.
EM: You’re fucking corny.
MT: Sorry. No more jokes.

JUST THEN THE WAITRESS APPROACHED OUR TABLE AND DID HER BEST TO HIDE HER EXCITEMENT OVER EMINEM SITTING IN HER SECTION. BEFORE SHE WAS ABLE TO ASK FOR OUR ORDER, SLIM SHADY ORDERED A DRINK CALLED “THE SOUTH OF THE BORDER.”

MT: How do you make a South of the Border?
EM: Are you stupid? Mixing Hennessey and Fanta with Pepto and Mylanta. It’ll eat through anything metal, [like] the ass of iron man.
MT: Oh, right. That sounds disgusting. How could you drink that?
EM: I’ll drink gasoline and eat a lit match.
Waitress: (Interrupting) I’m sorry, but are you…
EM: They call me Slim Rothelsberger
Waitress: I thought it was you!

EMINEM PROCEEDED TO ORDER HIS MAIN COURSE, WHICH INCLUDED FRIED POTATOES, A SIDE OF VEGETABLES, AND A STRIP STEAK.

Waitress: And how would you like your steak cooked?
EM: Think you spit the raw, I’m an uncut slab of beef, Laying on your kitchen floor, other words I’m off the meat rack.
Waitress: Raw, it is. And I’m sorry, but… I love you! You’re, like, totally awesome!
EM: I am awesome, and you are just awe-struck. Just call me the ball sack, I’m nuts.

TAKEN SLIGHTLY ABACK BY EM'S FORWARDNESS, SHE SHIFTED HER ATTENTION TO ME.


MT: (To the waitress) I’ve never been here before, do you have any suggestions?
EM: (Interjecting to the waitress) Feed ‘em the same shit you made
me eat.
MT: Sure. Why not? That sounds good.

EMINEM SIGNALS THE WAITRESS IN, SPITTING GAME QUIETLY IN HER EAR. HIS HAND TRACES HER SIDE AND ZEROS IN ON HER LOWER BACK. HE SAYS SOMETHING QUIETLY IN HER EAR (BEYOND MY RANGE) AND SHE STEPS BACK APPRENTLY DISGUSTED AND DEPARTS.

MT: What'd you say to that girl?
EM: She’s got a tattoo of me right above her ass, man. In the streets of Warren, Michigan, we call ‘em tramp stamps. Don’t ask me why, I have no love for these motherfucking hoes. Mr. Matthers is the man.
MT: Um… yeah, I guess so Mr. Matthers.

THE WAITRESS RETURNED SHORTLY WITH THE DRINKS.

EM: (To the waitress) Haha, you don’t look too happy to see me.

THE WAITRESS PUT THE DRINKS DOWN AND TURNED BACK TOWARD THE KITCHEN. I DECIDED I WANTED A SIERRA NEVADA, BUT SHE WAS TOO FAR FROM OUR TABLE TO HEAR ME.

MT: Nevermind then…
EM: Get up, be a man, stand, a real man would have had this shit handled.
MT: It’s just a drink, it’s not a big deal. So, you’re clean now. No drugs… and… I thought no alcohol, but… how’s the sober life treating you?
EM: You wanna get graphic, we can go the scenic route. Let me tell you the whole story of Shady’s, origin. Man, first of all, I’m a boss. Man, I’m so fucking sick I got ambulances pullin’ me over and shit. I’m the American dream, I’m the definition of white trash ballin'… I’m the bee’s knees, his legs and his arms. Been this way since I’ve stood a foot tall.
MT: Wow. You don’t think you’re coming off a little cocky, do you?
EM: If you don’t like it you can kiss my ass in a lint thong.
MT: No thanks. How do you feel about Recovery compared to your previous albums? You take a few stabs at some new people.
EM: It’s different, them last two albums didn’t count, Encore I was on drugs, Relapse I was flushing ‘em out. Fuck my last CD, that shits in my trash. [Recovery]’s a warning to Brooke Hogan and David Cook, that the crook just took over so book. Run as fast as you can, stop writin’ and kill it.

THE WAITRESS RETURNED WITH OUR FOOD. EMINEM CONFRONTED THE WAITRESS ABOUT HOW SHE IGNORED ME, AND, ALTHOUGH HER APOLOGY SEEMED SINCERE, HE WOULDN’T LET UP.

EM: Girl, forget remorse, I’m a hit you broads with Chris’s paws like you pissed him off.
MT: I’m not really that mad, it’s okay.
Waitress: I really am sorry, can I compliment you two another drink?
EM: They call me Fire Marshall, I shut the shit down. Just take a couple more, yeah, you’re motherfucking right. And go do some donuts in the hospital parking lot.
Waitress: (Obviously irritated) Is everything alright with your meal, Mr…. Fire Marshall?
EM: Shit my potatoes baked, homie, the veggies on my plate can fly, my filet is smoking weed, yeah faggot, the steaks are high, shit. Like somebody took a ketchup squirter, squirted a frankfurter for a gangsta. [Nevermind, I’ll] Rummage through the shit and try to salvage something. [As for you honey], Coleslaw containers, empty straw wrappers and all, you got more junk in your trunk that I do in my car.

THE WAITRESS STORMED BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

MT: Em, what’s the deal? Why are you like this?
EM: Why am I like this? Why is winter cold?
MT: Oh, I get it. It’s your NATURE. Interesting.
EM: Remember when they get to doggin’ you boy, homie, So y’all can just get to bloggin’ and bologna, I’m not gonna stop the saga, Continue, no stopping the force Obi.
MT: It’s not that popular of a blog anyway… Let’s try to finish up quickly and get out of here without making a scene.
EM: Wait, am I losing ya? Am I making you look bad? Shit the day that happens the world’ll stop spinning, and Michael J. Fox’ll come to a stand still.
MT: Ouch man. First it was Superman, now you bangin’ on McFly?
EM: Excuse me while I feel my nuts.
MT: Umm... Okay…
EM: Thanks for being patient. It’s like apples to oranges, peaches to plums yeah, I’m bananas pussy, cut off the grapes and grow a pair, But I swear, you try to diss me, I’ll slaughter you, I put that on everything, like everyone does with auto-tune. It’s like we’re playing lyrical tug of war with your ear.
MT: I’m not trying do "diss" you, just trying to do an interview. Speaking of auto tune, do you have any advice for other rappers?
EM: Weezy keep your head up, T.I. keep your head up, Kanye keep your head up, Don’t let up, just keep slaying ‘em. [But mostly] I just wanna thank everyone for being so patient and bearing with me over the last couple years while I figure this shit out.
MT: And now you’re back and going strong. Well, should I get the check and you get it next time?
EM: Next time? There won’t be no next time. I’d cut my toes off and step on the receipt, before I foot the bill.
MT: Damn Em, it’s only like $50… and most of them are your “South of the Border” drinks. Nevermind, I’ll get it. I thought this went well… besides you degrading the waitress, of course.
EM: You know that I’m only kidding witcha… [I] got a twisted sense of humor.
MT: That’s an understatement. Anything else before we leave Eminem/Slim Shady/Slim Rothelsberger/Dynamite/Fire Marshall Matthers/whatever you want to be called now?
EM: See, I’m not as crazy as you thought I was, am I?
MT: Umm… I guess not.
EM: [Oh, yeah, and] Rest in Peace to DJ AM.

* This interview did NOT actually take place, but rather Eminem's answers are lyrics from Eminem's new album, "Recovery."


MYSTERY TIN